Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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