Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
