Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize