There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
