I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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