god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
