Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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