I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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