I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize