i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
