OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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