Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize