is your mom at the bar?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
