There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
