I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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