you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
