Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
