it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
