its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
