I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
