I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
