Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
