I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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