so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
