New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
