New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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