I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
