He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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