I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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