We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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