why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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