the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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