Don't you send me to vm
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
BRING THE BAGELS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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