why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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