So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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