You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
