she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
