if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
