Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize