he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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