that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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