i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
