I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
