Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
