i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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