Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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