I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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