she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
