I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
