based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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