Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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