Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
