Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
