me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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